it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
