I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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