I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
