His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
