Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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