apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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