i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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