According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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