Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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