i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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