i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
