the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
