Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
