i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
