thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
