I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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