I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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