Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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