Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
