how can u be prego again
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
