the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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