Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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