Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
