dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
