Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
