The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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