apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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