I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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