Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza