I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
