That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
