and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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