i need an iv and a liver transplant
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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