I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
