My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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