I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
