Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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