Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
