The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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