how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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