I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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