toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
