He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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