Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
