She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
