Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
