You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Someone signed my nipple.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
