Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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