Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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