I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
