I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
just found out that she named her cat after me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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