You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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