the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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