Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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