I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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