You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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