Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
