I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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