Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
