Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
