I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
