Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
