i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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